Pushing Back Against the Haters

Some of my best writing is inspired by the occasional convergence of news items around a common theme. I'm right in the middle of one such convergence, and I just have to share this with you all. I am getting a lot of this from my FaceBook friends, whose news links are a great way to aggregate stories from all over the web. The theme that is coming through almost on a daily basis is this: people are beginning to push back against the haters.

Story 1: A quiet, "free spirit" of a teen girl is elected to her school's homecoming court as a cruel joke. The entire town comes together to give her the royal treatment.

For the homecoming dance Saturday, businesses will buy her dinner, take her photo, fix her hair and nails, and dress her in a gown, shoes and a tiara.

For the homecoming game Friday, residents will pack the football stadium so they can cheer when she is introduced at halftime.

They will be wearing her favorite color (orange) and T-shirts with messages of support. A 68-year-old grandmother offered to be her escort.

"I am in awe, overwhelmed at the amount of support," said Jamie Kline, 35, who began a Facebook support page. "I never expected it to spread as far as it has."

From The Detroit News

Story 2: Someone sees a young Sikh woman who has an unusual amount of facial hair, which she made no attempt to hide or remove. The person posts a surreptitious photograph of the young woman on Reddit, and "wait[ed] for the abuse to flood in." The young woman's friend alerted her to the photo, and she posted a response that was so gracious and kind that the photographer posted a sincere apology.

... I've read more about the Sikh faith and it was actually really interesting. It makes a whole lot of sense to work on having a legacy and not worrying about what you look like. I made that post for stupid internet points and I was ignorant.

From Jezebel.com

Story 3: Nate Phelps, a son of the "minister" who runs the Westboro Baptist Church, left his family just after midnight on his 18th birthday, and has pursued a much more loving path in his life. He has had to work hard to heal from the psychological wounds of his abusive upbringing, but now he is reaching out to help others.

Now in his 50s, Nate finds himself publicly squaring off with his father and siblings to reverse their legacy of intolerance. He lives in Calgary, where he has become a public speaker who champions LGBT rights and raises awareness about the connection between extreme religion and child abuse. He is currently writing a book about his life and is the subject of an upcoming documentary.

From Salon.com

Story 4: Andrew DeLeon, a teen from a small town near Austin, wasn't into sports or athletics. He became accustomed to being "hated" and "rejected" by the kids in his school, but he summoned up his courage and auditioned for America's Got Talent this year. I've written about him before, and I continue to be amazed by his generous and loving attitude toward his many, many adoring fans. This young man, who is now 20, amazed everyone by singing operatic arias in an other-worldly falsetto voice. Even though Andrew didn't get past the semi-finals in the competition, his fans continue to support him. He is currently paying his dues, performing in small venues and recording songs from a makeshift studio.

Here's his Austin audition, and here's a more recent clip that he made to keep in touch with his fans. The comments on his Facebook fan page and on his YouTube video page are almost entirely positive and supportive (an amazing feat), and he routinely gets messages from depressed, rejected, and out-of-the-mainstream teens who have been inspired and encouraged by his example.

Story 5: Lady Gaga, back when she was just Stefani Germanotta, was once thrown into a trash can by a group of bullies from her school.

“I was called really horrible, profane names very loudly in front of huge crowds of people, and my schoolwork suffered at one point,” she said. “I didn’t want to go to class. And I was a straight-A student, so there was a certain point in my high school years where I just couldn’t even focus on class because I was so embarrassed all the time. I was so ashamed of who I was.”
From the New York Times

Lady Gaga went on to become an immense success as a musician and performer (to put it mildly!), but she hasn't forgotten the pain she experienced during her teens. She and her mother have founded the Born this Way Foundation, which is " is dedicated to creating a safe community that helps connect young people with the skills and opportunities they need to build a kinder, braver world."

Bit by bit, kind souls are pushing the pendulum back from the mean-spirited, winner-take-all attitudes that have dominated our environment for far too long. I hope to see many more such stories, and I will pass them along to you, gentle readers.

Signal to Noise Ratios

Back to the science metaphors today. I got to thinking about how radically I have emptied out my schedule this year, and how it's helping me pay attention to things too long ignored. Improving the signal-to-noise ratio, as it were.

Right after grad school, I spent three years as a postdoc at Los Alamos National Lab. I was studying the way that surfaces influence the structure of thin coatings, to see if you could set up a surface that could direct a thin film to form with the properties you wanted. In order to pick up any kind of a signal at all on my instruments, I had to start out with substrate materials that had a whole lot of surface area, just to have enough of the thin film to make a detectable signal.

I had to make sure that the substrate surface was as clean as humanly possible, to eliminate interference from contaminants -- including air. For every sample I made, I had to start by baking my substrate material at a high temperature, under vacuum. This required custom-built glass furnace tubes that had to be made in the lab's glass shop, by the resident glass-working experts. My fellow researchers showed me how to set up the furnace and vacuum pump setup, and they clued me in on putting a cold trap between the two parts, so that pump oil would not back-flow into the furnace tube. They also told me that the copper coil I needed for this could be found at a local auto supply store.

After I baked out my samples, I had to close off the glass tube and transfer it to one of those big glove boxes that you may have seen on TV shows where people are working in a lab. The man in charge of keeping the glove box maintained had very large hands, so the gloves were sized to fit him. I have very small hands, so I had to learn to manipulate tiny tweezers and allen wrenches using thick rubber gloves that were several sizes too big for me.

Coating the sample surface was an exercise in patience. Meter in a little gas, let it condense onto the surface, wait for things to settle down, meter in a little more, repeat. Do this until the gas pressure gauge shows that no more gas is condensing down onto the surface. This sometimes took hours. Once, I tried to put two layers down on a surface, and I stayed at it for 36 hours straight before I finally gave up.

After I collected data from my instrument, I used a computer program (written by another colleague) to tease out the tiny signal from the thin film from the much larger signal from my supporting surface. Another computer program would interpret the resulting pattern, but the specific material I was studying hadn't been studied much as a thin film, so I had to piece together what I could from existing information and make reasonable assumptions.

I did manage to put together a general picture of what the surfaces were doing to the thin films. It's been almost 25 years, and others have gone much farther than this than I could.

What I'm getting at is this. In order to see anything at all out of this year-long experience of mine, I had to set up a situation in which I had a lot of time just for me -- my supporting substrate surface. I had to clear out any interfering noise from this time -- residual stress from a long day at work and commuting, much of my extracurricular activity, anything that would take away from what I'm trying to find. After the initial clearing-out, I had to protect my time from re-contamination. Only then could I begin to let in the things that I want to pay attention to.

I'm getting a lot of advice and assistance from friends and colleagues, but ultimately, I'm having to put this thing together myself. And now that little hints of answers are starting to come in, I'm having to try and make sense of what I'm finding out. Looking at what other people have done is giving me a general direction, but ultimately, I'm having to take what I can find and make some reasonable assumptions about the rest.

Very slowly, a little pattern is starting to emerge from the background. Other people may do this more elegantly or simply, but this is my project, and I am having to put together an answer that applies to me. The learning how to do it, the actual process of doing it, and the friends and mentors I'm meeting along the way are just as important (if not more so) than whatever answers I may come up with.

Radio Stations

Every now and then, I notice how life seems to bring me just what I happened to be needing at the time. For example, I was feeling restless during this sweltering summer we just had, and wishing that I could find some motivation to get out more and reconnect with my life. Boom -- educational events, a women's getaway weekend, lunches with friends, invitations to write and speak.

Some people attribute this kind of thing to supernatural forces that bring us what we want if we just wish hard enough. Conversely, if you're not getting what you want, you must not be focusing your attention properly or wishing hard enough or some such thing. Too bad for you, unemployed, under-insured, stuck-in-poverty people! You just need to try harder. I just can't buy that kind of thinking. It turns this whole thing into a rationalization for the wealthy and fortunate to hang onto what they have and not care about anyone else.

On the other hand, I do believe that we tend to find things more easily when we are actively looking for them. It's like tuning in to a specific radio station -- all the other radio stations are there, but the one you're tuned in to is the one you hear. If you have preset buttons or a favorites list, then you go back to those stations again and again, and you tend to forget about the other stations. If you only listen to the same playlist that's already on your iPod, how will you discover anything new?

So -- if my usual radio stations are playing crap, it's time to go searching for something else. Better radio stations, or CDs, or YouTube, or live concerts. Where are they playing the music I want to hear? Who listens to the same music that I do?

I'll back off from the music metaphor and turn to life in general now. When I'm just working as hard as I can to get through the day-to-day, I don't have much energy to devote to thinking about what I need out of life. My life gets into a rut, ruled by other people's urgent needs and ambitions. The nagging little voice that calls me to something higher is overwhelmed by the rush of things that really don't matter in the long run. It's only when I step back, claim and defend my own territory, that I can pay attention to that insistent little voice.

I might not achieve fame and fortune, but I can start here and now with what I already have and nurture those things. I can turn my intentions toward those things that make me more alive. I can tune into the station that says, "Yes. These things aren't just for someone else. You're capable of so much more than you've given yourself permission to try. These things aren't reserved exclusively for some privileged class of 'other people'. Step into this new territory and explore."

The Dream of Constant Okayness

Olga Rasmussen, my mentor and instructor at the beginning of my efforts to reclaim the physical part of myself, shared this on her FaceBook page today. I thought it was worth passing along here.

THE DREAM OF CONSTANT OKAYNESS - Pema Chödrön

It’s not impermanence per se, or even knowing we’re going to die, that is the cause of our suffering, the Buddha taught. Rather, it’s our resistance to the fundamental uncertainty of our situation. Our discomfort arises from all of our efforts to put ground under our feet, to realize our dream of constant okayness. When we resist change, it’s called suffering. But when we can completely let go and not struggle against it, when we can embrace the groundlessness of our situation and relax into its dynamic quality, that’s called enlightenment, or awakening to our true nature, to our fundamental goodness. Another word for that is freedom —- freedom from struggling against the fundamental ambiguity of being human.

You can follow Olga's blog, Aligning With Grace, at aligningwithgrace.blogspot.com

UPDATE: This was too good not to share: "The Meaning of "Personal Responsibility". This is a Buddhist's response to Mitt Romney's assertion that the 47% of Americans who don't pay federal income tax see themselves as victims, entitled, etc. Ethan Nichtern, the author, points out that this number includes hard-working people who are temporarily out of a job or who earn too little to pay taxes, as well as the elderly and disabled. The main reason I'm including this link, though, is Ethan's wonderful explanation of what it means to take personal responsibility for your life while becoming fully interdependent (not dependent, not independent) with the people around you. Thanks, Susan Runner, for passing this along.

A Year of "Idleness"

This morning, I joined two fellow members of the Washington Ethical Society in giving a three-part talk "In Praise of Idleness" on this Labor Day Sunday. My part of the story dealt with stepping off the career treadmill to re-evaluate where my life was headed and where I want it to go -- just what I've been blogging about here. Here's the text of my talk:

Good morning. My name is Nancy McGuire. I've been a member here at the Washington Ethical Society for just over 12 years. I have been a science writer for the last 16 years. This year I am taking a "reboot break" away from my career to re-evaluate my goals and directions. I'm going to be talking about why I'm doing that and how it's going so far.

The idea of taking a break started forming in my mind in July 2010, when my sister Linda and I went to New Mexico to stay with our Mom during her last week of life.
Mom had been slipping into dementia for several years, so by the time she reached that final week, we had already done much of our grieving. The Mom we knew was long gone. There was no shock that the time had come, we only needed to see a long process through to its conclusion.

Linda and I were surrounded by love and support from the hospice staff, our parents' friends, and our own friends, some of whom we had not seen for many years.
We shared dinners and long conversations together, and we allowed ourselves to laugh again. It occurred to me that I hadn't been laughing much lately. I hadn't spent much time with friends, or seeing movies, or walking around taking photographs like I used to -- all of which Linda and I were doing during our three weeks away from the daily routine.

At the time, I was more financially secure than I had been in a long time, but every day seemed pretty much the same: get up, commute to Arlington: one bus / two trains / and a quarter-mile walk, spend all day sitting in a cubicle staring at a computer screen, commute back home to Silver Spring. Stare at the TV for a couple of hours, go to bed, then get up the next day and do it all again. The weeks and months seemed to fly by, but I can't point to anything I did that was really significant -- nothing that you could really call "living my life".

I told myself all the things that grownups are supposed to say:

• "I'm just glad I have a job, especially in this economy."
• "If it was fun, they wouldn't call it work."
• "Just ride it out. This too shall pass."
• "Find what you can do to make your work situation better."

At the beginning of August, I was home from New Mexico and back on the job, writing up my performance goals for the next year, getting documents ready for the upcoming government contract renewal.

Two weeks later, I was back on a plane to Palo Alto, California for our contract's annual performance review at Stanford University.

Then it was time for the end-of-year reports and and preparing and staffing three exhibits for two conferences that bracketed Thanksgiving week -- same as every year. I didn't have the time or energy for turkey dinner with family or friends -- I was too busy dealing with vendors, shippers, and staffing schedules.

I realized that unless I made a change, this was going to be my life for the next 15 years or so. I had been looking around for other jobs, not really knowing what I wanted. But there was no time to do any serious looking, and not many openings were available.

One day, it occurred to me that I had enough money in my emergency fund to live on for just over a year. I thought to myself, "If THIS is not an emergency, then what IS?"
In fact, I had already spent one evening in a hospital emergency room because I had not taken time away from my work schedule to have a doctor examine an infected spot on my knee until it was too bad to ignore. Also, I had no time or energy for friends, family, or fun.

There was no way to reconfigure my current job to make things tolerable. I realized that I was going to need a full year off, and I would not be coming back to that job afterward.

The option period for the government contract I was working on was over at the end of the year, and much of what I did find rewarding about my job would be ending. The end of 2011 seemed like a good time to bow out.

Julia Cameron writes about the events that always seem to follow a major decision. It's almost as if the universe is testing your resolve, seeing if you're really serious about making the change.

After I had decided to leave my job, I received an award from my company, followed by a promotion and a raise. Should I stay? I thought it over carefully -- for about 10 minutes. No, I had to leave.

I spent the year making preparations:

• Tracking my spending to see how much money I would need, where I could economize
• Researching what kind of health insurance I could get
• Reading about other people who had taken "reboot breaks"

That last year at work was chaotic and stressful, but I stayed on because we were so thinly staffed that my presence was needed. I knew that I was going to leave, but I didn't tell any of my co-workers until December.

As my reboot year began, I expected that I would spend a month or two in vacation mode, then launch into my massive do-list, based on retirees I know who are busier than ever.

I expected that my progress (rest, projects, reconnecting) would follow somewhat the same schedule as what I had read about.

Now that I am eight months into this year, I am actually much less focused and less driven than I anticipated, but this bothers me less than I thought it would. Clearing out the daily routines and the mental chatter is opening up a space for new things to emerge. My do-list is shrinking, but very slowly.

Time has slowed down considerably -- it used to rush by so quickly. Last year seems like the far distant past.

The noise level in my mind is down as well, allowing me to pay attention to things that I had pushed aside. I'm more aware of what I truly enjoy and care about, rather than what is merely urgent.

I am finding support and inspiration from a variety of sources:

• Encouraging and thought-provoking responses to my blog posts
• My monthly writer's group, where we read and comment on each others' creative work
• My Deepening Circle, which frequently provides me with some very powerful insights, as well as friendship and encouragement
• I am really listening to what my inner voice is asking/telling me -- sometimes in a very oblique way, through mental images or "hot button" responses

I'm beginning to reconnect with the world, but more on MY terms now. I'm not what you would call efficient or highly productive just yet. It feels more like sampling dishes at a buffet -- trying little bits of a lot of things to see what I want more of.
I get together with long-time friends and former co-workers for social occasions and for my writing group.

Freelance projects are finding me -- not enough to live on yet, but not bad for doing hardly any marketing. I am interviewing some of my colleagues for an article I'm writing, and thoroughly enjoying it.

I'm sending out my fiction pieces for publication -- only one acceptance so far, but I have several pieces in the works.

My days are a mix of projects, long walks, yoga classes, and activities with friends and by myself. I also set aside plenty of time for daydreaming.

What's next?

• I am exploring the career possibilities related to the various interfaces in my life, especially science and society
• I am selectively taking on more freelance writing projects
• Preparing more of my writing for publication
• Sharpening my focus -- what do I really want?

I don't have any profound answers yet. It's typical for me that when I have a big decision to make, I spend a long time floundering around, not knowing what I want. Then, unpredictably, something will snap it all into focus. That's when I become decisive and start putting things into place, but not before. I trust that this process is playing itself out again in my life, and I think that this year is one of the best investments I've ever made.